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“i know something is very wrong”

i hesitated a long time before posting my last update. it felt irresponsible somehow to make such an overtly negative post. but its the truth, and its my reality, and i couldnt keep it inside. still it makes me feel bad. i know from messages ive received and seen that some people were happy to see me find my happiness, that it gave them hope, that it completed the narrative structure of my life through my music and writings. but time waits for no one and life carries on. i dont know.

i dont want anyones takeaway to be that i regret everything because honestly i dont. there are a few things i regret certainly but there was and still is plenty of good. i know i am loved. if i feel doubt about anything ive written its that it perhaps paints too straightforward a picture but the truth is always more nuanced and complex and i am trying to express a complicated series of events through a very broken mind. it is not an exaggeration to say that i find the most basic thoughts and actions and movements significantly challenging.

the fact is that now i am a mess and honestly pretty lost. i now stand here with one eye on the future and one fixed on the past but both are alien to me. i am not who i was before and i have no idea who i will become. i have spent most of my life constantly talking with myself but as i am now i am incapable of internal dialogue. it is incredibly distressing. i am incapable of really ‘thinking’ and holding or developing thoughts in my head but i find i can sort of get somewhere by writing. so i am trying to write more. i am going to try and post more frequently here both as a ways for me to stay in the habit of writing and also to try and be less negative. to keep in the habit of writing i have also been writing my thoughts on movies i watch recently on letterboxd, for anyone interested in that kind of thing you can read my reviews there my username is sobe_sophea

i also want to release music again and finish some of these endless projects ive been procrastinating on for years. the difficulty is that my current brain issues also effect my hearing and so mixing music is difficult when theres this constant chattering screaming scratching in my head endlessly relentlessly screeching. but its probably fine my music has always sounded bad anyway so its not like my inability to mix it will really make that much of a difference and maybe its something i just have to learn to work around because as far as i can tell this screaming isnt going to go away.

“seeing more and feeling less”

to try and look for the positives i think i have to see this as a challenge. ive never really been someone to roll over and give in and being stubborn and standoffish and uncompromising has always been my characteristic for better or worse & i think i need to try and keep this attitude even now. if ive lost the ability to have internal dialogue and think clearly then i need to find other ways to think and express my internal world. if ive lost the ability to feel pleasure and joy then i need to become sensitive to other frequencies and experience the world through them, no different to losing eyesight or hearing. maybe this is all a test. the voice of the divine will still be speaking to me, i just have to discover the new way to listen.

the reality is is that i AM supposed to be dead if i had fulfilled my mission as originally intended and therefore i am living on in an artificial afterlife of such. much as the world has after 2012. ok, i neglected my purpose and passed the crucifixion date. but now what. am i really going to be content to just roll over and rot?

i am fractured. my mind body & soul has been shattered. which part am i? whose voice even is this? but the echo... the reflection. where have i seen this before...?

of course.

i adore the mad max movies. i think theyre just some of the coolest and most exciting movies. ive always been drawn to them as more than just fun cinema blockbusters but it wasnt until i watched the furiosa movie a couple years ago that it all came together for me. i watched it three times in the cinema when it came out & i hope to see it again. furiosa is george millers masterpiece and is the true finale that brings his complicated world together. around the release of furiosa i watched all the previous mad max movies again & it was here that i saw the hidden mythology that george miller had been weaving throughout these movies. i actually think its a lot more complex then just the loud action movies they seem on the surface. i drew the timeline above to try and illustrate what is happening in these movies since its quite difficult to explain but i will try my best to explain here:

in short mad max is a story about the post-death of our own world and the souls that inhabit it. its cosmology is much like the world of dark souls where powerful souls keep getting resurrected and repeat in rhizomatic rhythms of death and rebirth spinning this post-death tragedy repeating and reflecting over and over. i should be clear that i dont just think this is my interpretation but that this is 100% what george miller intentionally created although perhaps not fully consciously but that these are the vibrations he was tapped into when crafting these works.

the journey of max himself and how his soul is shattered and reforms is the most interesting part to me. big spoilers for the whole mad max saga ahead:

basically in the first movie maxs soul is made unstable after the death of his wife & kid (technically his mind doesnt become 'mad' until the climax of the 1st film (murdering johnny the boy)) the presense of the 'the mad' sort of destabilises reality (along with all the nuclear catastrophe and stuff). in mad max 2 wez who is the reincarnation of johnny the boy is effectively a living vessel of instability due to the karmic trauma of max torturing & killing johnny the boy. the crash with lord humungus is what triggers this instability to explode into a spacetime catastrophe which is why by the time of Furiosa there are 3 maxes (feral kid/ fury road max, lord dementus, praetorian jack). it also explains why the timelines are so messed up. eg how 80 years have passed since the apocalypse but max is still young, and stuff has deteriorated far more than 80 years would suggest, lots of anachronisms etc. think of the converging lands at the end of dark souls 3 (the wasteland is basically the dreg heap).
miller deliberately reuses actors across movies and repeats/ reinterprets particular lines to help show this continuity and reflection of souls. dementus is very clearly a 'max' (lost his family, same knee braces, he even looks like old mel gibson) and there are clear through lines with certain reincarnating characters (the gyrocopter pilot in MM2 becomes max's war buddy & says "we are partners max!" and then in furiousa the Octoboss who is played by a very similar looking actor and is also a flying machine pilot is warbuddies with dementus and says "you are scum dementus!" which is a clear reversal of that relationship.
through the ascension of furiosa the darkest angel and the redemption that she and max achieve in fury road, maxs soul is eventually reunited and the madness dissapates. these movies are george millers life work & he pays very close attention to tiny details and hes always very cagey and vague when people ask specific questions about timelines and ages and stuff and i am confident that hes weaved alot of this deliberately into his storys.

why do i bring all this up? fiction reflects reality and we learn about the world and ourselves through the storys we tell. ive always been drawn to mad max but ive never really appreciated why. without labouring the point i think the current situation i find myself in isnt too different to max. my soul has been shattered and now the various shards of me journey through this postapocalyptic wasteland that is the crumbling reality that we all inhabit.
in short i need to journey to reassemble my fractured self.
if the previous decade of my life could be summarised as DEATHQUEST & the search for the akashic points then perhaps the next few years will be a new quest & a new search. i hesitate to name it now but its a start at least. a beginning.

***

while sorting through old computer files i came across a long forgotten conversation between myself from years ago. it left me with a strange feeling. i have no memory of it but somehow shows that i was seemingly aware of my current situation even years ago. i attach it here for posterity

in many ways our lives are predetermined, an important truth i often forget. i cant pretend to fully understand what it means. but if its true that she somehow forsaw this all those years ago, then perhaps she forsaw that something came after too. its a small comfort.