hello,
its been a while, hasn’t it?
its been almost a year since i last posted here. about 2 months away from a year. not just here, i havent been interacting with the internet at all recently.
ive been an internet creature my entire llife really, exisiting more online than off. and yet these days i rarely interact with the internet at all. why is that?
in short, i found my happiness.
i can truly say for the first time in my life, i am happy. truly happy.
a lot can happen in a year, and a lot has.
i became loved, and fell in love in return. my world became transformed. everything changed. colours and music and magic dance around me, and has swept me up in its whirlwind eversince. i spend every day happy, and wake up every morning to live through the best day of my life.
i went from spending years as a hikikomori, depressed, suicidal, rotting away in my bed in pain and misery. to living. to truly living every day.
i live with my love. we wake up next to each other every morning. i go outside. ive made friends. we go to concerts, movies, galleries, restaurants, parties, clubs. i got a passport and visited the USA.
we got married.
a life and happiness that i thought unobtainable for me is now my reality.
its changed my perspective on a lot of things. that life isnt hopeless. things can change. quickly and in lifechanging ways,. things you never believed possible becoming real. i am hopeful for the future.
i want to tell people that its not too late. things can always get better. to not give up. a year ago i was still lost in despair. and i truly believe that if it can happen to me, it can happen for anyone.
there are diary entries i never posted from over a year ago where i was still lost in the depths of despair and hopelessness, and reading them now i feel so strange. those feelings were all real, but now everything has changed. i share them below. as a sort of time capsule of darker times, but also to show how its possible for things to change in miraculous ways. maybe it will be helpful for others still trapped. to see where i was then, and to compare it to where i am now.
its left me a little lost in regards to my art to be honest. my art was mostly a process of alchemizing my pain into music, but now that i am truly happy, im not really sure how to do the same with the positivity i feel. and what do i do with all of my unreleased and incomplete music that was built off of this pain? to release it now feels ingenuine, but i also believe it still has value and deserves to be shared with the world.
i have several unreleased projects now. one album ive been working on for over 3 years. to be honest it was pretty much finished over 2 years ago but ive just been endlessly adjusting it. its now been so long i dont think the quality of it reflects 3 years worth of work. its a difficult position to be in. the longer i wait to release it, the more i feel the quality needs to reflect the time put in, and the more unsatisfied i feel with it... its a sort of endless loop.
i also have a lot less time in general now. i trained as a teacher and have started working full time. once im more financially stable, im hoping to switch to part time so i have more time to focus on art. the struggles of modern living lol. things i never thought would be possible for me are now routine.
but for now i will attach those old posts below. fragments of a distant me, in pain and confused, desperately attempting to comprehend and grasp the world around me. its no longer who i am or how i feel, but i record it for posterity regardless. witness these tempestuous & tortured dreams with me:
***
i never woke up from my dream
the following does not really reflect how i feel. and yet for a part of me, they do. i have resisted sharing it, but that part of me wishes to preserve these thoughts before being cast into oblivion. call it an exorcism or self-harm. both are perhaps true. i am plagued by demonic thoughts but i do truly still want to die.
[PAIN-LOG emptiness]
written june 2023
im going in a field
im going in a field
im going in a field to lie down
that lyric replays in my head a lot recently.
to be honest i am very low. everything feels very empty and pointless. but i am trying to distract myself from it. my life feels very empty. it feels selfish to say that. i am grateful to the peoplewho are very kind to me. and help to make my life easier.
“perhaps the only difference between me and other people was that ive always demanded more from the sunset; more spectacular colours when the sun hit the horizon”
when the sun hits.
when the sun hits...
its quite sobering to realise that i have never once been happy. i guess i was sort of doomed from the start. XX amount of years alive on this planet & i dont think ive once really understood what it means to be happy. it feels like an awful and selfish thing to say. and its not anyone elses fault. but i am just fundamentally broken. and i think im old enough now to recognise that its never going to change or get better. its just how i am.
what do i think it means to be happy? being surrounded by friends who value you maybe. being fulfilled with what you do and make. having exciting things to look forward to. being safe from anxieties and insecurities. or maybe its just a feeling. something indescribable.
im not looking for pity. but its just a desire to express it. i think even the people close to me dont realise the full extent that i am unable to really feel happiness or pleasure. its sort of pointless to express really. it doesnt change anything. and i do truly truly mean it when i say that i love the world and everyone in it.
i think that was a big driver in my desire to express myself in my music. the amount of pain and unhappiness i experience every day. it felt just so unfair to experience it and also have no one really understand or acknowledge it. this deep pain and misery. it was real. and i needed to express that. to say “i am here, and i am deeply unhappy”. i think thats ok. it makes me think of haruhi and feel a closeness and understanding with her. although i think she achieved the ideal that i still long for. maybe. if we ever see how her story ends.
it feels wrong to say a lot of this. it is not my desire to spread misery in the world. i like to think of a lot of my music as love songs. and my only real desire is to spread songs of love in the world. i dont think there is really any higher calling. but i am deeply sad and lonely. and perhaps that sadness uncontrollably colours the texture of my art.
i am here. and i am in pain.
i think thats what i want to say.
i only really exist in 2 states: one where i am manic and not very lucid but i am at my most creative. it is also the least painful state to be in. and also probably the most difficult and troublesome to those that know me.
the other state is miserable & in pain. deeply depressed. i sort of remembered recently that the first is sort of a defence against the second. i broke my mind on purpose because it was less painful than living with it. maybbe saying on purpose is an exaggeration. but i think at one point i realised that when i was insane & not lucid, i was in less pain then when lucid and ‘normal’. being manic wasnt easy and came with its own host of extreme fears and anxieties and chaos and the breaking down of my relationships and the total collapse of my life. and everything keeping me together falling apart. it cant be emphasised just how much of my life i have destroyed in recent years by being mentally ill and insane and so im not downplaying the damage that has done. but still, existing like that is less painful. less painful then that deep depression and ancient sadness that feels impossible. it feels like it should be impossible to be that sad and depressed.
[PAIN-LOG end]
***
[PAIN-LOG nymphomaniac]
written july 2023
the more time passes the more i realise that the ending to nymphomaniac is completely right. i hated it at first but now i realise it couldnt have ended in any other way. & the more time passes the more i see it over and over and over again. people will tell you pretty much anything & will tell the most straightfaced lies to hide their true intentions. i am naive,, pathetically naive really. whatever. you wont see me bow my head. i wont compromise myself. no matter how much you want to see me scrape & beg i wont bow my head.i will always stay true to myself.
i remember years ago when i was still at school being in a sort of romantic ‘half relationship’ limbo wtih someone over a few months. despite there being obvious chemistry the relationship never went anywhere & eventually fizzled out uneventfully but amicably. a few months later i remember a mutual friend asking me about it & why we never dated. i said i didnt really know but it didnt feel right to. they asked me if i was attracted to them or had wanted to date them. i said i didnt know. they then said “they really wanted you to. they wanted you to be attracted to them.” and then i felt like i suddenly understood everything. why i had felt so off about it.
i realised they had never wanted me, but rather they wanted me to want them.
i had sort of always known from the beginning that as soon as i admitted there being any feelings on my part, then i would have lost.
my instincts proved to be right & some unpleasant stuff involving them happened a lot later that i wont get into.
that instinct has stuck with me i think. the way people talk to me, it can feel like a test or a humiliation ritual sometimes. the amount of times over the years that people have told me they loved me, but i knew it was insincere. its hard to always want to see the best in people, to keep my heart pure & give the benefit of the doubt. but hearing those words spoken to me i cant help me feel that pang of dread. ah, here it comes. the challenge. the proposition. will you bow your head? i will not~
you dont love me. you just want me to love you.
but i love the world, and i will die for it.
the humiliation ritual. the pull of the world. gravity. it tries to tear my gaze away from whats important. forcing its fingers into the corners of my mouth, pulling and tearing at my face. fingertips pressed against my eye sockets. desperation & ugliness. “dont look at that, look at me” the angel cries. “i love you” the angel weeps. but my heart is unwavering. no matter how much you dig in your nails, causing my mouth to fill with blood & my every breath to bubble and splutter and choke, i will not look at you. i will not allow you to humiliate me. i have too much love for the world. and still some vestiges of self respect.
[PAIN-LOG end]
***
[PAIN-LOG love & death]
written august 2023
love
i am in love.
its a strange thing. to feel love like this. to be so deeply in love. to love. to be loved. this maelstrom of emotions that encircle me.
divine & transcendental bliss and happiness partnered with pain & fear.
and suddenly it makes me more empathetic. i can understand it slightly more. the insanity that love creates. it doesnt excuse it. but i understand it a little more. the uncontrollable surges of emotions, destructive impulses. i can feel that overwhelming panic. that panicked grasping at dissipating smoke. helplessly watching the object of your obsession, the center of your universe, your reason for meaning & everything just slip away from you. it would make me insane. i would do insane things for love. i understand it now. and i empathise. i empathise with everyone. and i am sorry.
i think of vanilla ice vs polnarreff in part 3 of jojos bizarre adventure and how polnarreff is completely powerless before vanilla ice’s love for dio. it kills abdul. it kills iggy. and in the end polnarreff lies there dying and defeated. completely outmatched by vanilla ice’s obsession. i can feel it now. that overwhelming obsession and insanity that love causes. cream feasting on and swallowing reality into its dimension of despair. all consuming love and insanity. would i become like vanilla ice under the same circumstances? i dont know.
love hurts. and the reach and extent of its hurt goes far beyond the lovers themselves. the pull of chaos. the ebb and flow of the moon.
the cruel twists of fate. the chaotic flow of love. once again i am reminded of my foolishness and inability to comprehend the world around me. and the dangers of playing frivously with things one doesnt fully understand. that my self extends beyond me. that the world ends with you.
in my arrogance & rush to turn myself into a martyr, a fetish, a receptical for curses. and in my foolishness i wished to crucify myself too early. i called and welcomed all manner of curses into my body. “give me all your pain, all your suffering”. i can take it. let me be the receptical for all humantys evils.
and in my romanticisation of suffering failed to recognise that my happiness extends beyond me. that by inviting pain and disaster upon myself that it might manifest in others that i love and hold dear. the world ends with me. i feel so stupid.
in my defense, i am in love. and i have never felt so vulnerable and confused. but still, it is not really an excuse.
was i wrong?
yes, i have now experienced love. it was the best week of my life. of that i have no doubt. it was transcendent. to love and be loved. to be in love. i love you. and i am loved. i actually felt alive. oh praise be the joys of creation. to become the world, and experience its fruit. it makes me want to be selfish and insane. to repeat the original sin and recreate the universe in our own image.
but all outer gods miscarry. and i am left with unease. it is painful. this anxiety.
i fear that i am so drawn to the romanticisation of tragic romance, that all romance must be tragic to be real to me. that i cannot be allowed to feel happiness or contentness in love.
oh i am so in love, and i have never felt so close to death.
i feel the hard solidity of the bathtub around me, and the cold barrel of vyvyan’s luger pressed inside of my mouth.
dont romanticize it. dont pray for it.
ahhhh i am so in love. and i so want to die.
and freeze this love in space and time forever. to kill myself so this love never diminishes or leaves. i will die and we will be in love forever.
i feel the pull of the moon. its gentle but firm tugging at my fibres.
i am a chaotic being. it is something i had chosen to embrace. and yet this wavering feeling. this uncertain anxiety. i dont know what it is. i dont know what to feel. i feel so strange and confused and with such unease.
“does it scare you....” don’t.
don’t.
what is it that you want then? is that what scares you?
now isnt the time. you have work to do. to complete the song of love. as you tell yourself, again & again & again.
ah, love hurts. is that why? is this what you were protecting yourself against? it is confusing and painful. you have no place to complain. i know. other people are hurt by this much more than you are. i know. stop feeling sorry for yourself. “your curse”, you make me sick. its called being a shitty person. i know. you let it happen again and again and then you mythologise it, romanticize it and turn it into part of your story. im sorry. they are all right about you. you are a demon. now youre the one romanticizing it. go on, complain about how terrible a person you are but then go on living anyway. im pathetic. you are.
why do i do this to myself? allow yourself this. allow myself this. you can be happy if you try. but you never tried.
i cant let myself be happy. i cant let myself feel love. love & happiness are for other people. for deserving people. i love humanity & the world but i do not love. i see the joys experienced by connection. people together, dancing, embracing, loving. they are loved and are happy. and i am happy for them. but this feeling cant be mine. i was born to feel pain, to love the world, and to die. the world is not mine to inherit. there will be no afterlife for me or a homecoming. youve known that now for a while. once you complete the song of love our existence will be wiped from the record of humanity. that is the truth of the second crucifixion. annihilation. void. youve had your fun. you experienced your love. now you know why. by all means sing of it. sing for it. but then die. it doesnt matter how much you love, how much good you create. as long as you exist so too does the demon. to destroy the demon you must destroy yourself. you know this. i do. you chose this. i did. stop.
stop. you are in love.
ok. i am in love.
...
...
...
god.
...
why do i still want to die?
[PAIN-LOG end]
***
[PAIN-LOG indignity]
written september 2023
i think what i fear most about being in love is that you will one day love me less, and i am left alone with my love. it makes me want to die before that happens; to preserve your love for me through my own death.
to grow old is an unbearable cruelty perhaps
to die like christ circumvents that cruelty
to die like robert frobisher
...and not suffer the indignity of the kings of old.
[PAIN-LOG end]
***
[PAIN-LOG indignity]
written october 2023
i awaken still dripping & covered in the amniotic fluid from the metamorphasis as my new mask begins to solidify and realise that i am probably considered evil. my years spent incubating in nightmares have left their indelible impression on my form. and dantalian becomes lucifer.
i have always supposed myself a victim of circumstance, but i have left quite the wake of hurt & destruction behind me havent i?
or is this simply what ive become because thats what you wanted. i reflect your desires and become & fully embody heart and soul what you hate.
and now my dragonrot and distortion field is spreading and enveloping others. is this nyarlathotep? i had a chaotic life but it wasnt fun. i can only pray & will that the chaos now encircling your life will be more fun & exciting than mine was. and that you will have fond memories to look back on, instead of humiliations and regrets.
i dont really remember the circumstances but i remember you crying over me. and memories return to me of when this happened before. it repeats again & again and i worry that its a harbinger of destruction. am i really so evil?
i am still filled with emptiness. and yet i am still trying, trying to exorcise these anxieties and the negativity that plague my thoughts & emotions. i do love you, i truly do.
but i never woke up from my dream
[PAIN-LOG end]
*disconnected*
i feel a sort of strange nostalgia for those endless hikikomori days spent all alone in front of a computer. its strange the things you end up feeling nostalgic over. moments where you are by every metric miserable become softened by the passing of time, and certain distance memories become gentle and lingering; specific songs, images, scents, feelings...
years of drug abuse, depression, suicide attempts, solitude, despair... now replaced with genuine happiness. i suppose the moral is to never stop loving. love the world with your whole heart. even if it hurts. i never gave up on my empire of dreams and every day i continue to expand it. making friends, creating joy, building community, relentlessly and unapologetically bringing everything beneath its all encompassing fold.
beneath the moon and stars i became one with my love, and a world of hope and happiness was created in front of my eyes. the world ends with you. never stop loving.
