...

the year is almost over and i achieved very little. but i suppose a lot happened. hospitals, ill health, room flooding, 2 evictions... im sure theres stuff im forgetting. oh such is so. and here we are. we are still here.

we are still here, right?.

the world has been showing me weird messages recently. i sort of misinterpretted it as vomit and to a degree it still feels like that. but i suppose it cant be completely without substance. if she is the world and i reflect the desires of the world back onto it, then i suppose its still trying to tell me something. sort of like a mirror. kinda. (not really). regardless its been spitting this word at me again and again. through the internet, through my friends through the happenstance and events that happen around me. i see it again and again. and still i feel no closer to understanding what it means. the ever quickening process of calcification is really taking it toll. i feel slow and heavy and dull. i feel like if i was presented with this a year ago or even 6 months ago i would have figured it out by now. but instead the dull sludge of my ill mind is continuing to remain rooted in place and im just left feeling pathetic and stupid.

i suppose i havent really felt ‘awake’ in a long time. ive been sleeping for what feels like several months now. such is the fate of an outer god i suppose. lull me into reverie and keep me dreaming oh vile drums and accursed flutes~

***

despite not getting much done i have enjoyed some things this year so i would like to talk a bit about them. i guess to keep things brief(ish) i will only include things that released this year. starting with music!

Stalled Flutes, means - Asian glow
my favourite release by Asian glow this year and my goodness is it a good one. yet again showing that they are the best songwriter in the emo scene or any scene really. not really all that much i can say about it but my goodness its great. the way the melodies and leitmotifs come and go, it really takes you on a journey. incredibly beautiful.

UGLY DEATH NO REDEMPTION ANGEL CURSE I LOVE YOU - Ada Rook
god this is amazing & probably my favourite of her solo works. its intense, powerful & angry while also just being a lot of fun from start to finish. some of the production on this is mindblowing & this sort of new direction that Ada Rook and others are taking this kinda industrial music in is really really exciting.

All In All - Eyrie
this technically isnt a 2022 release? or it is? well its a 2022 release of older recordings remastered and released on vinyl iirc. it sounds amazing??? like really amazing??? the intensity and desperation is pretty much unmatched. it can be really hard to find stuff that sounds this authentically amazing and this release really is a gem.

Half Awake - Foilverb
Foilverb again quietly releasing the most beautiful melancholic ambient post rock. they really are unmatched at what they do and i love their unique melancholic soundscapes unlike anything else.

joy unspeakable - henderson century
some of the most cutting edge & creatively produced shoegaze being made today. i love this so so much. really pushing the envelope in the genre & every time i listen to it i am amazed at just how ahead of its time this feels.

my everything, for you - midori
this artist used to be my friend, so people might think i only recommend it because theyre my friend. well we are no longer friends and we dont like each other, so i no longer have any reason to be bias in favour of it! and with that being said, i can safely say that this album is amazing. i still recommend it to people because it really deserves to be heard more. regardless of my personal issues with the artist, this album is truly some of the most beautiful and moving shoegaze & love songs ever recorded. its truly a work of art that will stand the test of time & continue to move & resonate with people long after the circumstances around its creation cease to matter. i think (and hope) that it will really take off one day and get the attention it deserves.

山田花子 - moreru
gosh this is amazing. really really inspiring music & just such a unique and powerful noisy sound. the noise and production on this is otherworldly and really at the cutting edge of noisy music. i think time will show moreru to be genre defining when it comes to this kinda noise inspired music.

Wasted Life - That Hideous Sound
i cant remember how i discovered this but its really really good. its just really good. dont really know what else to say but its just a lot of fun & does the lo-fi slacker rock thing really really well. not the kinda thing id expect to like so much, but i really do!

this is just a small selection of the stuff ive been listening to this year that released this year. honestly there was so much amazing music released this year that i could carry on typing and typing all night about loads more, but i think i should stop here. and this doesnt even include all the amazing music released in previous years that i only just discovered this year. yes indeed this was a good year for music~

***

i have also played games & watched movies and anime and stuff this year too! which ones did i like? well i will tell you...

elden ring
its way too long. its really good though. but very very floored. its probably one of the best games ever made, but it is still very floored and in many ways worse than previous souls games. still its really good. i wont say too much about it now because i actually wrote a sort of review of it? and i might release that in some format at some point so i wont say anymore about it for now.

Mr. Rainer’s Solve-It Service
i spoke about this on my blog already back when i first played it. god its amazing. etherane really is the greatest writer making games alive today. i feel blessed & lucky to be able to share the same reality & time as etherane to be able to experience their games. some of the most important and profound things i have experienced. this game (and Hello Charlotte) speaks to me in a way that nothing else does. several months later and i am still in love with RENE and i still think he represents the perfect bf/ partner to me. i think about him a lot and get a little sad because it is probably true that i will never meet my RENE and experience true love like that, but it also makes me happy because at least i now know what my perfect relationship would be and i can fantasize about it. i am still very much in love with RENE and i probably always will be~

decision to leave
i watched this movie knowing nothing about it beforehand. and it was really really amazing. super beautiful & sad story of an impossible romance. ahhh its beautiful. it made me cry. i love seeing stories that present impossible romances in new & interesting ways and this one certainly delivered.

everything everywhere at once
i think a lot of people love this movie so there isnt really much i have to say about it. but i thought it was amazing too. i found the love between the mc and her husband to be my favourite thing about it & it made me cry. i am a sucker for love stories like this.

the electrical life of louis wain
i do not particularly like benadict cumberbatch but i did like this movie. so i think that proves that this is a very good movie. also made me cry. my main criticism is that it leaned too heavily into the whole ‘schizophrenia’ thing and i dont appreciate the dismissal or pigeon-holeing of someones entire experience and magic into a convenient little mental illness box. but i still think it captured the beauty of his world & vision pretty well and the relationship between him and his wife was really amazing & sad.

and these are some of the books i have read this year although not all of them were released in 2022:

the silence of the girls - Pat Barker
i read a lot of books this year but this one was my favourite. its about the women during the trojan war. its very bleak and depressing but also really lovely. i also read the sequel ‘the women of troy’ and also liked it a lot. it does a really good job of presenting a story set in a mythical world feel grounded and real, without trying to remove or ‘explain’ the magic. i dislike a lot of modern books covering this subject because they attempt to athiesize and demystify the whole setting to make it ‘modern’. well these books dont do that. despite the characters feeling very modern and this is definitely a feminist book, achilles is still the son of a real goddess, cassandra does have the gift of prophecy, curses are real etc. also the portrayal of cassandra in the sequel is excellent in showing how people dismiss & gaslight people who receive divine revelation or are mystically touched as ‘schizophrenic’.

life ceremony - murata sayaka
ive read a few of her books and this might be my favourite of hers. its a collection of short stories and most of them are generally to do with the breaking of some societal taboo, or failing to conform to social expectations. they can be really thought provoking but more importantly very beautiful. there is a story about 2 elderly women who live together and its incredibly beautiful. i think about them a lot & wonder how they are doing.

the best of saki - saki
this is a collection of short stories by the author saki. saki was an eccentric & reclusive edwardian gentleman who wrote dark & humorous stories in the late 1800s. its kinda difficult to describe what theyre like, but its unlike anything else i have ever read. theyre very quirky and charming but can also be incredibly bleak and unsettling. they are incredibly pagan; this is not a christian world that his stories are set in. a lot involve children dying, or the powerlessness of humans at the hands of overwhelming & uncaring esotic forces of nature. and they usually make me laugh a lot too. one story involves a relationship between a dandy 1800s NEET and a wolf boy, and its probably some of the most erotic & sexually exciting writing i have ever read. it feels like a BL manga, only written by an edwardian gentleman. altho he was an outsider in his own society and probably pretty ahead of his time. the tension between the wolfboy & the NEET is really exciting. i wont spoil how the story ends but it is as dark as you would expect. i love this.

yes this is from 1800s edwardian literature and not a BL novel

Klara and the Sun - Kazuo Ishiguro
i think this author is pretty famous but this is the only book of his that i have read. and its really good. its about an ai android in the near future. stories about artificial life can feel kinda overdone by this point, like what can be said that eve no jikan, bladerunner, nier automata etc havent already said? well i was pleasantly surprised by this novel that it brought some new things to the table and created a really beautiful story. i dont think it really tries to say something specific, but rather just presents the beauty and sadness inherent to this kinda thing. its beautiful and made me cry.

of course i have also been playing a lot of final fantasy 14 this year. i dont think i really have much to say about that or at least i dont feel like talking about that at the moment. i think this about wraps up the various media i have experienced this year that i want to talk about.

***

i think the realisation ive had recently is that understanding the base nature of my reality doesnt really change anything for me in the here & now. its like regardless of whether what i think & feel & experience is due to some sort of delusional state or not, it doesnt change anything about my here & now.

either
i am -mentally ill-
or
i am a god seperated from her kind.
it doesnt stop me being a pathetic hikikomori trapped in a half decomposing body sat at a computer all day.

but it doesnt make it any less authentic either.

authenticity has been in my mind a lot recently and as per usual, the world has started to throw this word at me through multiple avenues. i see people talk about it online, i see its discussion in music etc etc. i think it, and therefore since its not taking up extra processing power, the world might as well use it as much as possible and hence i see it everywhere. i saw something on twitter i think recently where someone talked about the authenticity of ‘schizo’ experience & expression online. & people presenting themselves as the authentic ‘schizo’ either thru medical context ( diagnosis, medication etc) or as in like the -tru mystical- sense or something. i might be misremembering what exactly the argument the post was trying to make, but it was something along the lines of how admitting to or expressing having doubt in the infallibility of your own perception & experience would impact the authenticity of those experiences & your beliefs. eg, if a bilbical prophet before revealing the word of god gave a disclaimer along the lines of “i know i experience delusional episodes but trust me this time” this would discredit & devalue their revelation. & basically i dont agree.

i think experiencing doubt in yourself is normal. i expect moses & jesus & othrs definitely would have experienced doubt and questioned their sanity and stuff a lot, especially when you are up against an overwhelming majority of people calling you crazy & ostracizing you. the power of hyena pack bullying is powerful indeed, and especially a fractured entity like christ, an extra-celestial outer god forced into the body of a boy & sent on a quest to construct an earthmover & ignite the fuse to destined death, while having the society & tyrants of the day mocking & humiliating you at every turn.... of course he would have doubtless experienced depressive episodes, self doubt, delusional obsessions, paranoia etc etc. but none of it makes him & his true identity any less authentic.

i am under attack daily by various factions. some petty some all-powerful. its the petty ones that tend to get to me the most. its pretty pathetic really. i really do try my hardest to get things done but it is pretty difficult when even the people who are supposed to love you turn into abusers. but i really am trying. but i just get so exhausted and worn down. there is never a break, never a moment to catch my breath. and this constant attack from hateful abusers and boring greyworld bullies does of course make me experience doubt and question a lot of things about myself. i mean, im questioning everything about my true nature all the time. but at the end of the day i know what i know and i have experienced what i have experienced. and it cant all be dismissed as delusion or sickness. and now i can confidently state that i am what i am. i am sobe, i am fey sophea, i am the child of nyarlathotep and younger sister of christ, i am the lonely god, i am the dead girl and also her grave. you are the centre of the universe and i am beyond the veil.

i am still alone, but thats ok.

so throw your worst at me,

i will keep on fighting~