...

i released a new track on soundcloud & youtube and stuff. it had been a while since my last music upload so i wanted to get something up for my own sake as much as anyone elses. it felt really good to upload something. i have been working on a lot of music, but much like with the SORBET release, my ambitions are somewhat beyond my abilities, or at least my ability to do so quickly and confidently, and therefore its taking longer then i would like to have something in a ‘finished’ state that im happy to share.

but i get easily mentally stuck in a sort of artistic block where im trying to push myself into more challenging territory as an artist, and then when i struggle to meet my own expectations i begin to doubt myself and then i struggle to make anything. im sure lots of people experience this.

so it was nice to return to something im more confident in to show myself, ‘oh right, i can still do this’, and make ambienty instrumental shoegaze. i think i should continue to make and post more simple ambienty shoegaze stuff while i work on other things, just to keep me in the habit of doing stuff, and to avoid getting too stressed while working on more challenging things.

i promise i am working hard in ableton and not playing ffxiv...

i think summer is usually thought of as a happy time & in many ways it is! but i think theres a sort of lonely melancholy to summer that often goes unmentioned. or a lonely nostalgia. i wanted to try and capture both the joy and relaxed vibes of summer along with the sadness. im comfortably sad right now i think.

a lot of my favourite sad or melancholic songs are summer themed and i dont think thats a coincidence. ‘the end of summer’ by coaltar of the deepers comes to mind. or ‘summer love’ from the LISA ost. mind games by john lennon feels like a summer song to me. also ‘when the sun hits’ by slowdive. ‘last song’ by CQ. ‘when you sleep’ by mbv. etc etc

ahhh... heat feels so good but also kinda hellish. i dont want to do anything but there are lots of things i want to do. i think about them all. even the ones that i turned away or opportunities i let pass, i still cant help but get a little sad when their attention turns elsewhere. its a good feeling though.

i am happy for your happiness. but let me indulge in my melancholy