there is no where else for this and its going nowhere but i want to say it regardless

yes it happened around a train yet again

[PAIN-LOG i have never loved]

written on 02-aug

but dont you dare tell me i was faking it. i am a devourer of worlds and a demon of many faces. the crawling chaos. and yet despite that, i cant shake this lingering vague anxiety. im weak.
today reminded me of just how weak i am.
just a few words of abuse that youve heard a hundred times have the power to make you feel like this. im pathetic.
you tell yourself youre so above it. who cares about the opinions of sacks of potatoes? oh, but it still hurts. some god you are...

[PAIN-LOG end]

***

and here i wait for you yet again

[PAIN-LOG disgust]

and here i wait yet again

written on 16-jul

ive hesitated sending {#EXIST},, but i really feel like i need to like get it off my chest otherwise im likely just going to stay upset and itll fester & i dont want it to be this silent thing that effects {#EXIST} which i think it might be if i dont say anything...

its about when you asked if i was {#EXIST} i think thats the word you used. you did tell me to not take it the wrong way, but it has been hard not to. it has upset me. i think offended is the wrong word, but i am upset. i guess it sort of implies that you think i act {#EXIST}? or like a {#EXIST} or something? i still dont really understand it, but i feel like it shows that you dont really understand me at all. it reminds me when you told me that {#EXIST}, or that i should be more comfortable showing my {#EXIST}. ,,but thats the thing. i am not {#EXIST} or trying to {#EXIST}. ive always been nothing but {#EXIST}, so its a little upsetting when you try to imply that im {#EXIST} or something. it isnt {#EXIST}. how i {#EXIST}. and im not {#EXIST}. i have long given up on thinking about how i act before i act, i simply feel and exist & act on instinct. i am a girl beyond the veil and maybe the way i manifest on earth is confusing but i dont really like it when people try to inflict their version of reality on me. i dont like it when doctors or psychiatrists do it. i dont like it when my friends do it. i am me and i exist at the centre of the universe in my purest form... it felt like both an insult on the way i ‘behave’ & also an attempt to apply a label to me. i dont think i {#EXIST} at all. but now im self conscious. why do you think that? part of me doesnt want to know because it will just make me more self conscious; i will start to self analyse how i act. i dont want those sorts of stressful thoughts. i just want to be myself without worrying {#EXIST} but now i do worry. sorry. i think im bad at expressing myself and im sorry if this comes across too harshly but i hope you understand why i feel the need to express myself on this. it has upset me.

i guess to be clear im not interested in whatever it is. but also to be clear if thats what {#EXIST} into im not at all judgemental and i think its fine. but correct me if im wrong but i think you were asking me about it because of {#EXIST}. im not interested in that stuff. im not interested in {#EXIST} or the {#EXIST} people invent for {#EXIST}. i have nothing against it at all and for the people into {#EXIST}, im happy for them. but it doesnt interest me. i like romance and intimacy between people & a talking and connection of souls distilled to their purest form. im not interested in the material or human dressings & games piled upon them by humans.//

i just want to be seen but i dont expect to understood and i dont really want to be psychoanalysed or anything {#EXIST}

[PAIN-LOG end]

and here i lie alone yet again

i still sometimes think about when you said “{#EXIST}” and i shudder with disgust. sorry but there is no future between you and me.

am i feeling better or have i just gotten used to feeling nothing?