...

i ask of thee, art thou mankind?

you say im putting on an act around you. that isnt true. you could say that i am as confused about my ‘true self’ as you are. i am the world inside the gourd. i am the girl beyond the veil. all of what you see is ‘me’ and you either love it for what it is, or you dont. that is what it means to be nyarlathotep. and trust me, i didnt choose to be this way.

nay, i am the world. the world inside the gourd.

i love dantalian no shoka and i doubt that will ever change. events in my life at the moment have reminded me why i feel such a strong connection to its world and ideas. right now, as the world state moves from the World of God towards the World of Death, i am reminded of why i love dantalian. and why i am dalian and that hasnt really ever changed. i am still dalian and i think i always will be. and we exist together in the world inside the gourd. and im optimistic! for the first time i feel like i can actually say im optimistic. a place where we can be happy, in the library of 900,666 grimoires. of course i can give thanks to the full moon, and summer solstice, and planetary conjunction etc etc, but for tonight i give thanks to dantalian.

not the best diagram ive made but hopefully helps to convey what im trying to explain. the right side should be black instead of magenta but the magenta looks nicer

i think part of being both sophea, dalian, sobe, nyarlathotep etc. is being confident enough to accept myself for the first time. its an ongoing process, but i feel like im making progress. i dont need to be human, and thats never what i wanted anyway. i am the world inside the gourd, and going forward i wont try to be anything other than that. 900,666 seems like a daunting number, and i may feel like im starting late, but i am still trying. and writing just 1 grimoire is still 1 more than 0 grimoires. and while i cant put an exact number on it, i have definitely written a few already, (each of my major musical releases are grimoires/ phantom books in their own right. this website is likely one or even a collection, and it continues to grow. my experiences in ff14 are a grimoire. i have many unpublished grimoires too in more abstract forms). so i feel like i can say with confidence: one day, my library of 900,666 phantom books will be complete.

i wont say ‘this is my life purpose’ because that isnt true or what im trying to say. its more that ‘this is what life is’ or at least existence is. my existence and therefore the existence of the universe is this library of phantom books that i am writing. i am the world inside the gourd. its just a more complete understanding on what i used to call akashic points. akashic points/ phantom books are effectively the exact same thing. my mistake before was thinking that ‘finding the akashic points’ would lead to my death (this was DEATHQUEST), whereas i understand now that i was dead all long, and the akashic points or library of 900,666 grimoires is what guides me into the World of Death and will continue to guide me through it. DEATHQUEST could never be completed because there never was a defined end (but i still love sobé the white mouse). the only major change is understanding that akashic points are not discovered but rather created (which is why i now prefer to call them grimoires/ phantom books).

i would hesitate to say im happy. but i am more optimistic then i have been in a long time. and thats a good start. right now i am the biblioprincess, and maybe i will be waiting in vain for my hugh anthony disward forever, but i dont mind. right now, here is comforting.