this is an extra post while the thoughts are still fresh in my mind about gravity, the original trauma & existence networks
ON GRAVITY, THE ORIGINAL TRAUMA & EXISTENCE NETWORKS
i had a conversation with a friend recently about the concept of ‘favourite person’ which i believe is something used to describe certain behaviours and stuff related to particular personality disorders. in brief, people with certain personality disorders latch onto a ‘favourite person’ through which they get all their validation and positive affirmation, and get significantly distressed, depressed and upset when seperated from this favourite person or feel like they are not being given enough attention by them (i dont care if this is an inaccurate or wrong description of the concept; it is useful to me). i ended up thinking a lot about this and particularly how often i underestimate just how much the existence of people is affected by the perception of other people & existence networks.
people often get confused or think im joking when i tell them that they are the centre of the universe. or that i am the centre of the universe. both statements are true and they do not contradict each other. fundementally, existence or rather your existence, only exists through the perspective of something (i know this contradicts what i have said before about the white sun, and it isnt necessarily true, but consider it ‘true’ for the purpose of understanding gravity). for yourself, this lense through which you exist to yourself, is the centre of the universe. i hesitate to say ‘my universe’ or ‘your universe’ because it isnt that simple.
i guess the reason why i bring this up is because it is upsetting to realise that us as individuals, only really exist to others through a chain of other individuals. a chain of existence or network of being. i think no matter how much you try to rationalise it or understand it, it never stops being upsetting or jarring when something happens that suddenly reminds you of this fact.
-to x person you only exist through y person-
-as soon as your existence to y person becomes diminished or broken, you too also no longer exist to x person-
-this chain of existence is gravity, distilled to its purest form-
the original sin, which i prefer to call the original trauma, is exactly this realisation. we are only bound to our existence (the centre of the universe) through others, regardless of how much we may create or invent reasons to believe otherwise (e.g. faith, morality, science, PFIZER etc etc), and therefore you either blindly accept this reality (this is called a social structure or society (which is what 99% of people do)), or you have the confidence to boldly claim that you yourself are the centre of the universe & therefore have full ownership over your own existence (i am a coward in most aspects, but recently i have been able to do this, but only sort of. i will still take the cowardly option in front of most people and only really exercise this in places i feel fully empowered in, i.e. my grave).
despite confidently stating all of this though, it doesnt make it any easier when you perceive your existence to become lesser due to a break in the existence network. i think its difficult to stop self doubt from creeping into your world inside the gourd. thats why i may be louder than usual in my self-declarations of existence. i am the crawling chaos but i have decorated my own grave, and nothing can take that away from me. i see myself and that is enough. (it still hurts though).
i think i bring this up both as a tonic to offer to people who may be wracked by self-doubt or feel hurt by gravity, and as a reminder to myself to take my own tonic sometimes.