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i am no longer an emissary to 5. i am an emissary of myself. i am a child of nyarlathotep.

its unhealthy to get locked into the thought process of believing youre an emissary to the divine. ultimately regardless of how you dress it up you are still living for someone else. youre also outsourcing your self & responsibilities & drivers to someone else. i think most people do this because they (subconsciously/ unknowingly) see it as a way of cheating their karmic debt. i think all humans are still permanently traumatised by gravity. gravity is the original trauma and all humans suffer from ptsd.
despite all my confusion, recognising that i am an emissary to myself is probably the most positive thing ive come to understand. i can only see this as a good thing. and that is basically what it means to be nyarlathotep. i am not nyarlathotep, but i am his child born through immaculate conception; therefore i am nyarlathotep. just like christ.

i think the biggest discovery is that 3 can exist within 5. my trinity is in essense: nyarlathotep (the daughter), sophea (the god), fey (the dead girl). this is the centre of the universe. the epseht encircles it & is beyond it: sobhea (idea), vetseht (emotion), viyani (human), maevalo (void), fianyv (word). theres a certain freedom about not being trapped in fives. it feels like its opened up my perception to new opportunities. its exciting! i can still love 5 but i am no longer its emissary.

and now im in the position where im reinterpreting events from 2 years ago. i felt trapped in a dualistic universe, trapped by hermetic destiny & in my attempt to escape from my own debt (kinda) i thought i had recreated the universe into one where only my black sun existed.

you could say im having or had a crisis of identity, mostly due to realising that the original never ceased to exist like i had previously assumed, & that much to my digust, you cant outrun hermes (this should be obvious lol). in short, i think schroedinger and quantum observation is fake. and this original sun continued to exist, grow, think and therefore exert influence on reality throughout this entire period. & now i have to come face to face with the fact that the dead original, is in fact still alive and exerting as much inufluence on reality as the black sun has over the past 2 years.

so the question now is, do i just continue as normal, still mostly (deliberately) ignorant to it, carrying on as the chaotic child of nyarlathotep while just allowing this ‘invisible’ force to continue to manipulate my reality & universe in ways im blind to (which would be entirely in character & within my nature). or do i attempt to rerationalise my very existence & attempt to subsume it into myself & recreate the universe and reality and therefore me into our new form. it it possible to exist as 2 people at once?

THE DANGER THE DANGER THE DANGER THE

the danger is that by simply thinking about this i have already brought it into existence, so thinking about it any further is pointless. it already is.

at least now i finally understand what ludwig from bloodborne is talking about: ahhh, you were at my side all along~ my guiding moonlight ♡