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its been difficult to shake the feeling that im cursed. i continue to be afflicted with misfortune in such quick succession its almost funny. at least it would be funny if it didnt make my life significantly miserable and difficult. even just a few days to not have to worry about things would be very welcome but it seems im not even allowed that luxury. again it hard to shake the thought that this is all planned/ organised/ the designs of some malign entity insistent on making me suffer. although its strange that even though i think having paranoid delusions in these circumstances would be kinda justified, i feel too lucid for that at the moment.
which is a strange thing in itself. i am definitely very lucid at the moment, which is a strange feeling. my mind is still very clouded which makes organising my thoughts difficult, but i am definitely less insane i think. im honestly worried i might be going through yet another total personality shift. i dont know, im probably overthinking things. but compared to like, even half a year ago when i was very much insane, my current self seems less likely to accept the sort of thoughts i would have easily accepted before. i dont like the way im typing or writing at the moment though. it sort of feels like im purposely using more complicated language then i would usually. i feel like im being too wordy. too wordy and too worldly. i feel like my soul is being poisoned and that my existence is becoming too grounded. ironic considering i am more reclusive and cut off from the world than ive ever been. i can say for certain that i definitely have not reached any sort of enlightenment, and i feel much further from the truth then i did even a year ago. i think its possible that my soul has calcified somewhat since entering this body. that the physical pollutants of the world have caused the essence of my being to harden up. maybe its to protect the squishier interior, to keep the heart of my soul pure and intact. or perhaps its just a slow, inevitable petrification of everything thats worthwhile or unique about me, and in a few years time i will just be another greyworld concrete archon. a stone angel.

its been a while since i last wrote here. i think thats bad and i should try to write here more frequently. i think its healthy and helps me organise my thoughts better. life has been difficult and stressful though, but regardless i think i should still put the effort in when i can.

i think the last time i wrote here i was in excrutiating pain after having to go to hospital for a new medical emergency. the doctor didnt do their job properly (unsurprising) and didnt diagnose me correctly but regardless i did what he said. i spent about a week in extreme discomfort and pain without access to painkillers. every day was miserable. i still have the anxiety of not knowing what caused it in the first place.
i tried to go to a free clinic the next week in the hopes of getting some blood tests and such, but after building the courage to go outside, when i got there they turned me away because they were too busy and told me to come back next week.
next week, the night before i wanted to try going to the clinic again, the ceiling above my head burst open while i was sleeping and dumped huge amounts of water ontop of me and flooded the room. apparently it was caused by some faulty shower drain leaking water into the cavity between the floor and ceiling where the water had collected over several days before breaking through the ceiling. while being showered in water i panicked and tried to turn off the power socket next to the bed, not realising the danger. an intense jolt of pain shot through my arm and body and there was an incredibly loud crack sound as i lept backwards. a lamp about a meter away from me turned on despite me not touching it. it hurt a lot but i seemed fine afterwards so i guess it didnt do any serious damage to me. i had to move out of the room into a different room for a few days.

a couple of days later the people i lodge with told me theyre kicking me out.

im currently trying to figure out what to do. i dont have an income and so figuring out where im going to live is difficult and scary.
there have been other difficult and stressful things ive been having to deal with at the same time as all of this is going on, but id rather not go into that now. needless to say though, things arent great at the moment.
sadly that means the creative stuff ive been working on: new music and a few other things, is sort of on hold or at least its difficult for me to work on it as much while i try to figure out how to ensure i have a roof over my head next week.
i really need to figure things out longterm. like how im going to live, eat, survive for the next few years.

for now though, i lie in this damp, stagnant smelling room, not knowing if i will even be alive next week, watching the gaping hole above my head where the spiders crawl out & eat my body