new problems, new hospital.
when youre suffering & struggling and think youre at your worst, life will always find a way to make things even worse.
ive been suddenly inflicted with yet another medical issue that has left me in excrutiating pain for the past 2 days. after passing out from the pain twice i called the 111 non-emergency number to ask what to do and they told me to go to the hospital asap (within the next 2 hours). i got dressed and took the bus to st pancras hospital. it was the first time id been outside in a while. while sat in the waiting room i couldnt help cry from both the pain & fear.
i tried to take a picture of the front of the hospital but it came out blurry. i like to take photos of the front of hospitals, its always something ive done. i think in my mind im scared that if they kidnap me i can send the photo to someone to show them where to find me & rescue me.
the doctor was awful. maybe i annoyed him by crying so much. it was late (around 10pm) and he probably just wanted to go home. he didnt do any checks or tests. just wanted me out of there as quick as possible. i asked for painkillers but he refused (because im a suicide risk, i guess that shows up on my records shared around hospitals or something i dunno). even after i explained that the pain is so intense it made me pass out. still nothing. i couldnt stop crying hysterically and i guess that annoyed them so they escorted me out of the hospital. i lay down on the concrete outside and cried for a while. maybe like 10 minutes. then i was cold so i walked to the bus stop to find a pharmacy that was open. i then took a train back home but i missed my stop so i ended up getting off at the wrong stop and had to walk about 20mins back to the place im living in at the moment.
i hate this. it just feels so unfair. id say i have a pretty high pain tolerance from years of self-harming, but the pain is so intense i just cant cope. im still in pain as i write this. if the pain doesnt get any better by tomorrow i think i will go to the hospital again. make a scene until they give me something. i dont know. i say that as if i actually have the courage to do something like that. i will probably just hide in bed and feel sorry for myself like i usually do instead.
still, i hate this.
the 111 lady i spoke to on the phone was nice though. she called me ‘my lovely’ and sounded genuinely concerned. at one point she asked me if i was on my period which i thought was funny. i felt like i was being looked after when i spoke to her. she reminded me of the nice nurse i saw at the sex health clinic last year. she was stern and a little grumpy but she seemed genuinely concerened for my well being and i liked how she petted my head and directly addressed my bad health habbits and issues and tried to help. i think in general ive had a lot more positive experiences with nurses. most of the doctors ive met have been cruel and psycopathic. but the nurses are usually nice or stern but caring.
there was a beautiful sky a few days ago. i think its the first pink sky ive seen since i started living here. i watched it until the colour faded.
im trying to be strong and stay positive but its honestly really really difficult. im just tired of being in pain every day.