...

i think im dying.
...thats probably not true. i wish it was.

i want the world to end. also a lie. i think the world is beautiful. it would be more beautiful without me in it.

the more i understand of the world the more i understand that i was never meant to be here. i think its wonderful that people can live here. im so happy for you. i really want to die. i really dont want to exist.

the world feels very foggy to me now. or misty. i feel like im surrounded by thick layers of mist at all times, and people pass through it. they walk past me and sometimes wave. sometimes they smile at me or say something through the mist. i smile back.
people are very nice to me. and it feels cruel. i wish they didnt waste it on me. i can only exist through the kindness of others. its keeping me tethered here. its probably what keeps bringing me back from the dead. it feels cruel. and it feels selfish and evil for me to think that. but i am selfish and evil. i am a negative drain on everyone. i really shouldnt exist. everyone who has ever interacted with me for any serious amount of time is left worse off. i am an entity of pure negative energy that infects this world. a net negative drain. its a weird realisation to come to. to realise what your true nature is, and how everything you thought before was either a lie or at least mistaken. i think i am a malign existence. i know what i am is wrong. and yet i continue to be. i guess its because im lonely and selfish. even doing this is cruel and wrong. am i still here? i dont know anymore.

im not even sure if im still writing or doing anything. it all feels trapped in a dream. trapped in thick layers of mist. none of it feels real. i can feel the skin melting off my face. it doesnt feel of anything.

i do think im dying though. thats still a lie. i do think i no longer exist. i think thats true.

i bought some strawberries as a treat but they went mouldy after less than a day. it was sad. i still ate some anyway.

i like my red coat because its big and hides my underweight and malnourished corpse body.

and despite everything i still try and put on this cheerful & hyperactive persona in front of everybody. i dont even know why i do it. its probably incredibly annoying. it doesnt even feel like im the one doing it. i just sit from the outside and watch myself do it. its probably because ive forgotten how to interact with people normally. or at least its an easy way to interact. maybe its a shield. i dont know. maybe its safer this way. maybe it isnt fake. i honestly dont know at this point. maybe i shouldnt overthink it. i suppose its left over from when i genuinely wanted to be a positive influence. to want to touch peoples lives in a meaningful way, or at the very least bring small moments of joy. what an arrogant and narcissistic thing to think. im sure i did more harm than good.

people pass through me like in a dream. i can feel you vanishing through my fingers. i want to scream. i want to die.
but im dying quietly. i dont want to die quietly. i want to be loud and obnoxious. i want you to see me.

i want to see more of the world. these days i go outside very little... maybe only once every couple of weeks. i was forced to go outside more when i was going to the hospital & stuff. i want to try and go out more though. i want to go to the zoo and the aquarium and to museums and parks. it would be nice if i could go out of bounds like in final fantasy 14 but in real life, and explore places without any people in it. but this is sad and selfish to think about. people enjoy the world and should be allowed to continue doing so.
i wish people didnt terrify me so much though. although i think my fear is sort of justified. i havent even lived in london for that long, less than a year, and i go outside very little. and even then ive had multiple unpleasant and dangerous experiences and encounters. the guy who followed me off the bus and down the street was the scariest one. he started saying sexual things to me and grabbed my arm and tried to make me go with him. and it was dark and the street wasnt very busy. it was frightening. i wont repeat here what he said to me. on the otherhand the guy who molested me on the train wasnt as bad. the experience was probably more unpleasant in the moment but it felt less threatening overall i suppose. aside from touching me there wasnt that much he could do whereas the guy on the street i had absolutely no idea what he would do next. stab me for all i knew. in hindsight i wouldnt have minded if hed stabbed me. to have my life ended as a hatecrime statistic. i suppose actually thats pretty sad so maybe not.

i opened the window today. there was a cool breeze. i lay down for a while and felt the wind on my skin. the breeze had a really nice smell. i thought about if other people were also feeling the same breeze and wondered whether they liked the smell.

i sometimes like to dig my fingers underneath my lowest rib and grab my rib cage. i pull slightly and imagine what it would be like to rip my own ribcage open. i dont have the strength to do it but its something ive thought about for years.
ive often had fantasies about mutilating myself. sometimes when im really upset i think about what it would be like to chop my arm off. i would never do it. i lack the strength and the pain would be too much. also i wouldnt be able to play guitar anymore and playing games would be harder. regardless, i think about it sometimes. would you still love me if i ripped my ribcage open? if i only had one arm?

i used to go outside a lot more. i got to have some pretty cool experiences too. i would like to build up the courage and try to go outside more.

i keep thinking about that breeze. whether its a sign of change. it smelt new and like things were changing.
i hope its true, but i should know better than to hope. i will only get hurt again.
for a while now life has sort of felt like the main story is over. like that weird feeling i get after finishing a story-heavy retro jrpg but the game allows you to continue walking around the world map aimlessly and talking to npcs even after the game has ended. in some cases npc dialogue doesnt even change to reflect the fact that youve beaten the game and finished the story. theres no bonus content or bonus dungeon. i dont know how else to explain it. but thats how my life feels right now.

i still spend every day in a lot of pain. my voice is starting to stop working because i never talk. i sometimes go days without saying a word. i feel pathetic. i feel ungrateful.

a lot of thoughts pass through my head about the way ive been treated by people in the past and present. and what i value. i want to reach through the mist. i think i do.

i truly mean it when i say that i want to die. and i really dont know how much longer i have left. but for now, i will continue to try. at least for the immediate future. i will try to live. i promise that much.