i played etherane's new game 'Mr. Rainer's Solve-It Service' and i loved it. its difficult going into a creator you love's new work with high expectations because theres always a fear of disappointment. but i can happily say that it blew me away & much like hello charlotte spoke to me personally about several things that had been going on in my mind. if hello charlotte helped to save me last year or at least understand my position a little better then im hoping that as i think about and replay mr rainers solve it service over the next few weeks it might help me this year.
already i have fallen in love with RENE. the more i think about RENE the more i think he is the perfect boyfriend or companion. i dont want to say too much because i dont want to spoil too much for anyone who is going to play, but his relationship to ÜLAR is something i didnt realise i wanted until i saw it. i cant remember the last time i fell this in love and the end of that route left me feeling very empty. in fact when i finished all the routes i ended up feeling very sad because i wish there was more. i had a similar emptiness after finishing hello charlotte but at least there was 3 (4 kinda) games & therefore a longer story. but i am amazed at just how deeply i was sucked into the world and characters of mr rainer's solve it service despite how much shorter it is. i think theres a lot of media i 'should' like or relate to but i just dont really get or understand or feel anything from it, but etherane's work just speaks in a vocabulary i inherently understand & feel and it does something for me that very little else does. but yes i can definitely say that i am in love with RENE.
i do find it strange just how much the events & ideas in the game speak directly to some of the issues i am experiencing right now. it makes me feel a little less lonely in a way. sort of. i am still incredibly lonely & isolated to the point of desperation but this game has given me a small moment of companionship that i will cherish. i have definitely been escaping into media recently. but whats the alternative at the moment? self harm & taking drugs? well i am still self harming but at least i am not taking drugs. i want to though i would like to escape the pain for a little bit especially because my doctor refuses to give me painkillers because she doesnt trust me with them.
falling in love with RENE reminded me of a dream i had a few nights ago where i met an internet friend irl that i had never met irl before and we ended up making out a lot. it wasnt a sexual dream or anything it was more just a me watching myself from outside and thinking 'huh so thats happening is it'. im not sure i can even consider them an internet 'friend' since i havent known them that long & we havent even spoken very much. its not the first time ive had dreams like this though, i tend to have them after meeting new people online and they are particularly nice or act interested in me. its definitely a trait i have that if someone acts especially nice to me or takes an active interest in me, i tend to start liking them or at least fantasize about the idea of liking them. its a bad habbit or trait i think because i dont think im actually attracted to the person specifically, but rather im attracted to the idea of them liking me. it tends to not last that long though and wears off after a few weeks. if it lasts longer than that then i know its actually a real attraction to the person rather than me just liking the attention and the idea of it. its fine when it happens online but can be more risky in real life i think, because if its someone in real life then during that 'attraction phase' i will do anything the person asks or wants which can lead to unfortunate situations. especially if the attraction then wears off because my desire to please people (cowardice/ fear of confrontation) means i can stay trapped in that sort of situation. this is definitely a me problem & i blame no one else for it. ohh RENE i want you to look at me! ahhh RENE i dont know what you see in me but im so happy~
because i cant play elden ring i was playing through sekiro and its really good. i finished it last night. each time sekiro dies & comes back to life he gets a debuff called dragonrot. this really stood out to me. i definitely have lots of dragonrot & i am debuffed heavily and so it all makes sense. although the debuff doesnt seem to effect sekiro ddirectly at least not through gameplay but it can spread to others around him. this is definitely accurate too. the debuffs i have received from my multiple deaths definitely can spread & infect people around me which is why i should isolate myself for the good of others. an infected mind like mine can infect others and i should stop the spread. i want to connect with others but i dont want to spread my dragonrot. i need to find a dragons blood droplet to heal the people ive infected. but even then i still wont be able to connect with others because i will still caryy the dragonrot & risk infecting people again. the only option is to severe the ties of immortality and die forever.
an update on the boat: i saw it again a few days ago but i think it moved. its difficult to tell from this angle but im not sure whether it was moved or moved itself but its taken my interest. it has been difficult to find objects beyond the veil recently but this might potentially qualify. im not going to get overexcited and say its an akashik point but its the closest to one ive found in the city so far. i will continue to monitor
running up that hill by kate bush is one of the greatest songs ever. ive always loved it but ive only just recently realised how amazing the lyrics in particular are.
i have 2 vampire bites on both sides of my neck and they make me so happy. the bites have left red/ blackish marks and i love them. i want to show them off to the whole world. the drinking & swapping of blood is the most romantic thing possible. i struggle to think of anything more romantic except for full cannibalism maybe. you can drink my blood forever
i honestly am completely losing track of the passage of time & im not sure what to make of it. im also not sure if this is something ive experienced before in this way? because of illness ive definitely lost huge periods of time & memories from my life. entire months and sometimes almost years are just empty holes of nothingness. but this feels different. as if im experiencing time in a completely different way. like im aware of its passing but its much quicker than for others. recently someone asked me about something that had happened a few days ago. or at least i thought it was only a few days ago maybe a week or so at most. but they told me it had been over 6 weeks ago. and i checked and they werent lying. but i have not been through 6 weeks. like at all. and ive realised there are other things as well that i only experienced a few days ago that actually happened weeks ago. so im not sure whats happening to this lost time. i honmestly have no idea if this is a paranormal thing or a mental thing. i remember a few years ago i believed i experienced time non-linearly and that each time i woke up i jumped to a different version of myself either forwards or backwards in time and that days didnt follow consecutively for me. i dont know if this is a manifestation of a similar thing. it could be that the veil is weakening and cracks are spreading from my body. maybe its the dragonrot~ its not scaring me yet though i dont think. i dont think im freaking out about it yet. but its confusing me.
ive definitely been existing outside of my own body though and i dont know if thats related. i used to throw up sometimes when i saw myself in the mirror but that hasnt happened recently. instead i just dont see myself at all. or rather im just looking at a thing thats seperate to myself. again this could be caused by cracks in the veil. it reminds me of when one of the original wasps years and years ago. over 20 years ago maybe give or take. this wasp would stare at itself in the bathroom mirror and knew something was terribly wrong. that god had made a mistake and the body (or hive) was all wrong. i dont know if its a similar phenomenon.
i am definitely fading though and i exist here less and less every day. or at least my existence becomes weaker. maybe this explains everything related to time and dragonrot and sense of self. sometimes i think i am becoming more transparent and i can see through my arms if i concentrate. a couple of times while i was experiencing this i cut my arm to see what would happen. i felt almost no pain but still bled. but even the scars on my left arm seem more faded. i sort of want to show my left arm here but also i dont. it feels sacred and maybe something i shouldnt be completely showing otherwise something bad happens. maybe its visible in other pics i dont know. ive posted photos of my right arm on here before where i carved the lonely god into it. the scars have faded a lot but the words are still visible. i might recarve them or maybe i wont i dont know. for a long time my right arm was the 'clean arm' and was completely unscarred. that changed when i took over though. but my left arm has always been the scarred arm. its a strange mixture of patterns. some scars are now invisible. the oldest ones from years and years ago that are still visible are completely white. the ones from a couple of years ago are a darker purpley red and the ones from less than a year ago are a faded red. and the ones from recent weeks and days are a mix of reds, pinks & grey where the skin is still healing. but all of them seem more faded. i should probably stop typing now since im typing as a distraction instead of trying to sleep and i have no idea where im going with this. this room smells of smoke and its making me feel sick. its coming in from under the door and i hate it.
it would be nice if i could fade away to the point where no one can see me anymore and everyone forgets. i think that would be a peaceful way to die & meet annihilation. just to fade into obscurity both physically and psychicly. im fading i dont exist. i will follow the path of 5 rings and reach the void. i dont exist i dont exist i dont exist i dont exist i dont exist. i would love to spend my final moments with RENE and i will see him and he perhaps will see me in my final moments but then i wont exist.
i think when i started writing this post i wanted to have an upset rant about someone but i feel distant from it now or at least not in the mood. currently im not sure how to describe how i feel. like im not really here. im not sure i felt this way when i started writing. its a reminder that im already dead.
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