had another migraine that left me crippled for hours last night. my head still hurts now but at least i can use the computer now. i am spending every day in a lot of pain. i dont think people realise just how much pain both physical and emotional i am in every day. even people close to me who know im 'not well' i still dont think they understand just how much it hurts right now. last night after the migraine started to lessen my emotions started to feel worse and worse and i spent a few hours crying. i dont even really know why. i was just in so much pain.
i really do want everything to end. again i dont think people realise the full extent to which i mean that. i am miserable. by every metric. i hate this. i cant stand this.
at my last meeting with the mental health team they asked me if i had made any new plans to kill myself. its something i think about every day but i didnt have a straight answer. i told them the ways i wouldnt try because either i had tried them before and it failed/ i survived, or because the idea doesnt appeal to me - i dont want to leave a bloody mess for people to clean up/ i want a method that causes the least hassle to everyone. but in that moment i didnt have a specific method or answer i could give them e.g. "yes ive been planning to do it by this method at this place using this etc etc" and i think that made them take me less serious or made me lower priority.
its like a smt demon negotiation or like old dating sims. i think by giving the wrong answer it altered an invisible stat. i think a bunch of my invisible stats have various negative modifiers on them which is causing problems. each time you survive a suicide attempt you get hit by a negative multiplier on this invisible stat that makes people treat you worse and differently. so when you have these stat checks with doctors and stuff this invisible stat ensures you automatically get taken less seriously. either that or they are deliberately torturing me. or maybe both is true.
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i think its predetermined how much money you can have in life. its simpler for people born rich to keep at least some of the value. its less vectors to modify & therefore less processing power and i think it adds up in the longrun. thats why when people are selected to increase in value in life its a big investment. which is why its such a problem for them when they go wrong. and they become concrete archons. they have to tightly manage them from then on. they bring their medication to them daily. but they deny the same treatment to gutter humans.
theyve been replacing my blood although i dont know what theyre replacing it with. probably a sort of poison intended to inflict pain without killing. its making me throw up more - a possible side effect or intended i dont know. im not sure what they want with my blood. my blood attracts vampiric types. ive dealt with vampires before although i dont think they are vampires. but my blood is also vampiric in nature too. i regret those who have come to harm because of that. id like to apologise to all of them. still i dont know how much of my original blood remains at this point.
theyve stopped allowing me to take the medication that helps and instead im only allowed the medication that does nothing except make me ill. they wont allow me the medication i like because they dont trust me because im a suicide risk. concrete archons that are deemed a risk to themselves have their medication brought daily but the same luxury isnt afforded to a trash girl like me. instead they deny everything to me. its a tactic to make me suffer more i think. they wont allow me anything to help with pain or anxiety or suffering. they are punishing me and trying to break me. its working~
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ive been thinking about christ and whether thats who i was before i died. i think its likely. i might be becoming pregnant which is impossible. but maybe its to birth christ again.
when my soul entered their body did it also implant a womb inside? it would be strange if true but i have a feeling it might. a womb carrying christ.
i think about whether i was christ 3 years ago and honestly it might have been true. was christ a gloomy person though? probably not~
bbut maybe he was. miserable gloomy people can have a strange charisma that attracts people and they can gather a following. they are very manipulative. was christ emotionally manipulative? i think he was.
if christ was born again today he would probably be an internet musician. and also depressed. maybe christ would livestream his suicide.
although its possible that if christ was an internet musician he would have no followers. maybe he would livestream his suicide to an audience of zero. and like that hes gone from this world with none the wiser.
nobody realises that christ was born again and suffered and died and nobody knew. would that be considered a failure?
if i do give birth to christ i wouldnt want him to be miserable like me. but i suppose he would carry my genes so it might be inevitable. or maybe its the christ gene within me that makes me miserable in the first place. its an interesting thought.
i do wonder if christ and his followers wrote and sang songs. i dont think it would sound anything like hymns or church music it would probably sound more like noise pop or black metal maybe. people might disagree about christ being gloomy but then why did he want to die? i think people make an assumption that christ was fully aware of his purpose but i dont think thats true. i think he was just as confused as we are. but he knew he wanted to die. i dont think mary had sophia inside her. thats why this time it would be different and why if i am pregnant with christ i wouldnt mind. it would be strange way for things to work out though it might be enough to make me think there is a divine purpose and mover above the outside of the universe. which is a terrifying thought. and what if its no different to god? lets call this theoretical overgod the yperurgos. i dont know whats more terrifying: that the yperurgos is 'good' and conducting extra celestial events or that it is just another ignorant megalomaniac. honestly there is no point in even trying to think about it.
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i really wanted to play elden ring but it doesnt work on my computer. my graphics card is over 10 years old but it makes me sad because i really wanted to play. i dont think i will ever be able to afford a new one so i dont know what to do. oh well.
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i never talk about gender stuff and i wonder whether it seems like the elephant in the room kinda deal. im not sure how i come across at all. i think a lot of people try and find solidarity with others 'like them' but for me i cant. i really cant relate to others at all. for me its just a sad part of my existence but its not something i identify with or feel any solidarity with. its not something i can feel 'pride' over. its something i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy.
to clarify i dont resent or hold anything against people who are vocal about it and make it a central part of their identity & i also recognise the work people have done and what they have achieved that makes life for people like me safer. but its not something i can identify with. i also think i am genuinely too stupid to hold an opinion on anything thats worth anything. i dont think people should listen to a word i say and think it has any merit. i am really not clever at all. perhaps its lazy that i let other people do the thinking. maybe~ but i suppose i prefer to see myself as me & the chaotic mixture of events and entities that have resulted in my current existence. and while there are certain anomalies that relate to this in how i exist physically i dont think thats a major or central part of it. or maybe it is. honestly i ddont know and my thoughts on this change like daily so i might say something completely contradictory to this tomorrow.maybe this is a topic i should give more thought to and write longer more structured thoughts on but my mind is too chaotic today so not today. hmmm im also hesitant to broach this topic at all actually and already feel like ive said too much.
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i was walking in the park next to the mental hospital and i think i found a boat. im not sure who put it there but it interests me. it made me think of ivor cutler
im going in a field
im going in a field
im going in a field to lie down
