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happy valentines day. ive been suffering from severe migraines again but its weakened a bit so im gonna take this opporunity to write some stuff.

its a day about love so i will write about something i love. ive mentioned it a few times now but the news about the klonoa remakes is super exciting to me. klonoa fantasy reverie series. i have loved the game & world of klonoa for a long time now especially klonoa 2: lunatea's veil. im not good at picking favourites but if i was forced to choose my favourite game of all time it would be klonoa 2: lunatea's veil. my granny bought it for my birthday when i was around 8 years old i think? im not sure why she chose it, probably because she thought it looked cute. she really didnt like violent games and she said she felt sorry for video game characters when she saw them working so hard without rest. she thought it was important for video game characters to have rest as well. im not sure what she thought was appealing about the klonoa 2 boxart but im incredibly glad she got it for me because it had a huge impact on my life. i knew nothhing about it before but i instantly loved how it looked. i probably played that game more then any other and might have been the first time as a kid i got completely absorbed 100% into a game world. i never got bored of it and played it again & again for years. and when i wasnt playing it i was often thinking about it & coming up with fantasies about it.

in brief, klonoa is a dream traveller and at the start of klonoa 2 arrives in the world of lunatea. there he meets lolo and popka and together they go on an adventure through the various kingdoms of lunatea. there isnt a single thing i dont love about this game. the gameplay is incredibly solid and is probably the smoothest and most enjoyable puzzle platformer i have ever played. the characters and story is incredible and is among my favourite stories from any medium. but the the biggest thing for me is the world. the world of lunatea is the most full, interesting, mysterious, exciting, dramatic, epic, wonderous world i have ever encountered in fiction, to the point where i feel like it may be a real place. i dont know how to describe it while still doing it justice and i dont want to break the magic of it. but it just feels so otherwordly yet organic and real. nothing feels out of place or random and yet everything is so unique and strange. everything matters. it has history. the world is so so sad and yet incredibly beautiful. oh and the soundtrack is again among my favourite ever. genuinely some of the greatest video game music ever made and it had a huge influence on my musical tastes, 'cursed leorina' dominated my dreams for years.

i dont want to say too much about it because i want people to play it. but the message & importance behind the kingdom of sorrow is really beautiful & important and had a huge impact on me as a kid and is something that i have carried with me ever since. i have seen other games & films and stuff try and touch upon similar ideas but klonoa 2 did it much better. while i also love the cutesy exterior, klonoa 2 is dark, intense & epic with a lot of depth & complexity

i didnt play the other games in the series until a few years later when i was around 12 or 13 i think? thats when i joined my first ever forum! the klonoa fan club! i was definitely browsing other forums & websites at this point but the klonoa fan club was the first one i ever made an account for if im remembering right. so its safe to say that klonoa also impacted how i interacted with & grew with the internet and stuff. the first fanart i ever uploaded to deviantart was of lolo and i also wrote a fanfiction where klonoa returned to lunatea. i also made a cover for one of the tracks around the same time (sadly i no longer have this). i duunno i feel like im running out of things to say but hopefully ive got the point across how much klonoa means to me and how much of an impact it had on my life. the remakes are really exciting.

fanart of lolo i drew when i was around 12 & uploaded to deviantart

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thank you to everyone who has written something in the guestbook. some of the messages have been so kind & wonderful & magical and i really am grateful to receive such kind and meaningful words. i dont want to respond individually through email or anything since i want the guestbook to be something where people can freely leave their thoughts without any consequences. me sending replies would defeat the point i feel. but i read every single word and take it to heart. truly truly thank you~

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i feel completely deteriorated both body & mind. like the only thing thinly holding my self together is a weak and distracted soul desperately reaching out and attempting to hold all thhe pieces in place. its like when you try to cover your mouth while vomitting and attempt to stop anything from falling through your fingers onto your clothes and floor but its impossible and it keeps seeping through and the more you try to stop it the more it leaks out. i feel crippingly lonely & alone but there is this uncrossable distance between me and everybody. my hands are too full trying to hold my mind and body together and trying to stop the vomit from leaking through my mouth and fingers for me to reach out.

i wish there was a way to block the loneliness. i wish i could live without needing others. i wish i didnt feel loneliness. i want to reach out but i cant. i cant ever really connect with others. and forcing it feels so unfair. i wish i could feel things. i want the excitement and drama and fear and joy and anger and laughter and sadness and fun of human relationships. but i feel nothing. and im sick and tired of forcing it. i guess i felt motivated to force it before because i thought that maybe it was important to. i thought maybe i meant something to some people. even if i cant feel anything maybe i can at least give something to them. but realising that im immediately replaceable and expendable to everyone hurts even more. tightly-knit friendgroups find me annoying. close friends find me tiring. lovers see me as nothing more than a novelty and once the curiosity wears off also find me worthless. and its true i am all those things. annoying, tiring and worthless.
the only way i could ever be useful is to scrape away what little personality i have left and finally become an object. at least as an object im useful. i like being used. but i dont even have any use as an object. just revolting mentally ill deteriorating broken trash

i hate that when the doctor asked me whats stopping me from killing myself the only thing i could really think of was that i want to play the klonoa remakes in a couple of months.

thinking about it more i understand now what bothered me about the psychologist. she was forcing her ideas of me onto me. she wasnt able to understand me at all. instead she invented a bunch of traumas and then insisted that i have them. this is a classic pfizer heavy industries tactic of territory control. you create your reality and enforce it on them thus controlling the territory. and she was forcing her reality on me. "you feel this way because you are a victim of sexual abuse". "you feel this way because of a traumatic childhood". etc etc. you dont understand and you never will.

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one of my greatest weaknessess i think is that i am a people pleaser or at least im a huge coward. i think this manifests in a way that i morph my personality & ego to best please the person i am talking to. i think i have sometimes gone through radical personality changes because of this, at least if i have prolonged exposure around cerrtain people or groups. where it leaves me i really dont know. i used to think it was just part of the power struggle among hive wasps. but now i think i genuinely dont really know what my dreams & hopes are or what i really want or like. i think to a certain extent this is normal though? i think its not that uncommon. but i dont really know what to do about it because i think its based in a deep rooted fear of humans and a failure to really understand or relate to them on any level. i had an incredibly frightening thought recently though that has disturbed me so much i dont know what to do. i still havent really processed it yet and will neeed more time before i can write my thoughts out fully. but in brief the thought crossed my mind that i might actually be a demon. am i a deluded demon thats ignorant enough to believe its a god? that possesses human flesh and consumes the egos and personalities of others? this realisation has frightened me so much i dont really know how to cope. honestly im terrified right now im scared that my entire reality & beliefs might come crashing down if this is true. i mean it doesnt really change anything cosmologically i guess but it would mean ive been lied to and i had a twisted perception of certian parts of reality. honestly me writing this entire post has been a way to distract me from this thought and not panic because honestly i am very very afraid right now. but i need to think about this more and not jump to any conclusions before i can write out something more honest about this.

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i have some other fun posts i want to make. one about final fantasy 14. one about digimon. one about some outside adventures i have been on. one about love. umm this hasnt really been a very valentines related post really but i want to write more about love so maybe i will do a post valentines post at some point since i have a lot i want to say.

for everyone who has found love and is able to love today then i am very happy for you. i feel like the 'cool' thing to do atm is to be all grumpy and ironic and complain about people on valentines day. but i want to say that i mean it when i say i am truly happy for the people who are in love. i think its beautiful and i wish you full happiness.

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i think i loved you
not that it matters anyway