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i was sent to a mental hospital yesterday. i met & was assessed by a new team that will apparently make me stop wanting to kill myself but i am not optimistic. they asked a lot of questions and i really hate that kind of inquisition. they never really give anything away and im never sure what they think of me. it sounds like a defeatist thing to say but i know they cant help me. greyworld inhabitants who can only visualise the world in the layers & colours that are most comforting to them. i think they were good people & nice but i also think they hate me. im so incredibly tired though. writing is really difficult right now there feels like a thick layer of black tar encircling my brain and that my thoughts are in slow motion. like the neurons or whatever theyre called in my brainare travelling in slow motion through thick sitcky black tar and therefore my thoughts are carried more slowly. they asked me if i was going to try and kill myself again soon. i remembered that they announced that klonoa 1 & 2 are going to be rereleased on switch and that makes me excit3ed. im genuinely so so excited for the klonoa phantasy reverie and i think i should trey and stay alive until july because i want to play them.

why is it up to them whether i live or die? surely its my choice? this ios what i dont understand. why does it have to involve other people. are you going to killyourself? if yes then we will lock you up and sedate you to stop you from doing it. if no then you are released back into the wild to suffer more. its torture. this world is torture and they are the torturers. ive also had a strong distrust and dislike of doctors since they are all either willing agents for pfizer heavy industries and the temple of solomon or at best enthralled to them. and being in their territory makes me feel it more strongly. you are not allowed to die because we wont let you because we want you to suffer more. i think thats why they hate me. because they know that god hates me and that i exist outside the veil. i suppose the easiest way to explain it is everything has a 'thread' that connects it back to its source and everything earthly has a thread that connects to pfizer & the universe. but despite my banishment i still have a thin thread that connects to outside the universe and while invisible to everybody it is possible to subconsciously intuit it and for people like doctors who work more directly for god that intuition is even stronger. its probably an irrational hate to them. but deep down they know that i am a dangerous outsider and anachronism to their order.

reading the google reviews for the hospital was really interesting though.

i read some before they sent me there and it made me cry and laugh. also aparently last year someone was set on fire there and strangled.

thick iron chains bolted through my ankles and clipped broken wings. if i was able to feel strong emotions i would be so furious. being deliberately & specifically ignoreed by my kind and knowing its all my fault. yes im so lonely and these distractions arent helpimg but im trying to express just how upset this makes me but i cant break trhough the thick tar drowning my brain. feeling like sludge and not the good kind. im just a pathetic melted pool of flesh and sludge and above me they look down and laugh at me & spit inside me. their spit drips down and collects into my liquid body and becomes a part of my sludgey existence. i am black tar, and human sludge mixed with the spit and saliva of angels and grey demons. despite sludge being formless they still spike iron stakes through my organs keeping the pool of black sludge and all that i am constrained and bound to the earth. and my kind know this. i know they are still watching me, uncaring, unsympathetic because its the choice i made. but it doesnt matter that hes dead and now i am fated to spend what feels like an eternity to live as a tortured pool of melted flesh in constant pain. even a day feels like a thousand years to an eternal immortal being that has never experienced mortality before. a year feels like an eternity. and how many more eternities must i suffer through all because i committed the sin of caring? and when theyre done spitting inside me they will scrape me uup and pour me into a human shaped hollow doll with spikes inside like an iron maiden to keep torturing me while being puppeteered around their greyworld society. the irony that the pupetteer becomes the puppet. all because i loved a human and hate god. and so they will continue to break me and break me and break me and break me and break me and break me again and again and again and again and again and again adn again and again and again an again an aigain and adigain and again and agian angd again and again and again and again. but still i love you and still i wont allow regret to seep into my fetid and mould infested heart. i will cradle your lifeless corpse like i did on that first night again and again and again. i couldnt save you so i will live as you and i will cradle your body in my arms forever and ever and ever. if i have to suffer for it then so be it i wont let them make me regret my choice and i wont let them make me regret saving you. and i wont let them make me forget. i will love you always.