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i suppose this is a collection of thoughts ive had over the past few days. apologies for the consistently negative posts im not in a good place and i am struggling to really grasp or understand that. im trying to find ways of expressing or exploring how i am feeling and why but it is difficult. by writing things down & recording i think it helps me to understand my reality. while my physical form feels increasingly transparent & faded & not really real, by writing these posts i feel like it creates an existence for me somewhere. im not sure thats a good thing or even what i want and is perhaps a weird contradiction to, on the one hand genuinely want to stop existing, and yet on the other hand create a sort of immortality in a mostly invisible blog. its possible that its created by 2 surviving aspects from when we were a hive of wasps: digital immortality as a sort of perversion of the desire of a god to save a corpse, and the genuine whole-hearted wish of a defective malfunctioning human to have never existed. but as the extra-celestial ego fades/ merges/ transforms i start to question whether i was even real in the first place. have i already mythologised a past or series of events that happened little over a year ago? i dont think i even really understand what that means and honestly that frightens me. i dont think im even depressed anymore. depression is comforting in its own way, its familiar & life affirming in its own way. i just genuinely dont want to exist. and i can see no possible future where that will change.

i honestly feel completely and utterly alone.

there is an impossible distance between me and other people and i was ignorant to believe that would ever change. i fundementally cannot understand or relate to anyone, no matter how much i might try to mimic behaviours & emotions, or fool myself into thinking i have formed real connections. i still love humans regardless, but only as a lonely onlooker of their lives. i suppose in some ways thats a return to what i always was.

a surveyor & observer from outside the universe. the only change is that now i am completely abandoned & alone.

now comes the part where well intentioned people meddle & interfere and generally make life more complicated and uncomfortable

afterwards, when i got lectured to a lot of it was about how it made them feel. how it scared them. how it stresses them out etc. it made me feel like i was being bullied or guilt tripped into not being suicidal. "promise me you wont hurt yourself. promise me!" why do i have to promise you that?

and the sad reality ive come to realise is the only way i can carry on living is to chemically numb my brain to the point where i can barely be considered sentient. a lobotomy would be cheaper at this point. i think the only time i wasnt suicidal was when i was too insane to even be aware of what was going on around me.

but i suppose people would prefer that. to be able to drag me around as an unfeeling unthinking doll to parade in front of each other. if thats what makes them happy then a doll is what i will be. i am asobi. i am an object. use me however you please. no longer thinking & no longer autonomous. but 'alive'. i am asobi

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regardless of how im feeling i promise my next post will be more positive