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today i saw myself in the mirror and threw up.

ive been crying a lot at random points day & night but its weird because i dont feel more sad than usual but at the moment i dont feel much of anything. maybe its just my body is still experiencing the emotions that i myself am too numb to feel. i wish my sense of pain could be numbed as much as my emotions though because the physical pain is making it difficult to do anything. after i calmed down from vomiting i tried to eat a few hours later but my body rejected it. currently im in a lot of pain. there are too many mirrors in this place & i want to break them. ive been trying to distract myself so i looked up how much assisted suicide in switzerland costs.

its far too expensive obviously and unrealistic but its fun to fantasize about. i would like to meet the death doctors & the people that work there. i am very curious about the experience & because its illegal in this country it makes me curious about it all the more. the fact that its illegal makes me think it is probably a good thing

this statistic surprised me and made me think about a lot of things. is this something that wealthy people do? or is there a charity that helps? i expect a fundraiser for this sort of thing would be unlikely to get any support especially if it was for someone like me. still i am allowed to dream and when im in a lot of pain its a comforting fantasy. i think one of the things thats most comforting about assisted suicide is that you know it will work. when youre doing it yourself even a lot of the 'foolproof' methods arent completely guaranteed. i think the assumption that is often made of people who survive suicide attempts is that they 'didnt want to die really' or 'it was just a cry for attention'. maybe thats true for some people i dont know, but its definitely isnt always the case. even with proper research & intent, things can go wrong or you can be unlucky (or lucky depending on perspective) and you end up surviving for whatever freak reason.

suriving multiple suicide attempts is just a sad state & place to be in. people start to treat you in weird and unpleasant ways. when you survive the first time people treat you with sympathy & care & worry and you understand why people do it for attention because it gets peoples attention and theyre more likely to treat your suffering seriously. but when you survive a second or third time or more then people (understandably) get sick of you. some people will treat you with anger, disgust, contempt, others will just think youre not serious, and those closest to you tend to just think youre a mentally ill freak who is a danger to yourself & basically dehumanise you. and youre left in the same place still wanting to die but now life is even more complicated and uncomfortable. and now you probably also have permanent crippling physical injuries & chronic pain to deal with for the rest of your life as well. i think some people who survive have like epiphanies and are happy to be alive. good for them i guess.

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i find the fetishisation of self harming in internet pop culture at the moment really weird and kinda disturbing. lots of drawings of anime girls covered with self harm scars. i think people are free to draw whatever they like and art depicting self-harming and depression and suicide is important. both for artists who want to express it & for viewers to see the art. but at the moment it definitely feels like its being exploited as an aesthetic & as part of the whole y2k, myspace, emo, nightcore, anime millenial aesthetic revival/ reinterpretation thats going on at the moment. and i dont really know how to feel about it. when i first saw art with self harming a few years ago on twitter & pixiv and places i thought it was interesting. ive been self harming since i was 12/13 years old iirc so its pretty much always been a part of my life but i was curious to see it depicted and explored by artists. but now it really seems oversaturated and just being used as part of the whole depression art fetish stuff on twitter & places and i find it weird. while growing up self-harming was something i got bullied for and had to hide and be ashamed of. its an uncontrollable compulsion for me that has caused me a lot of issues throughout my life. my arms in particular are very scarred meaning i pretty much always have to wear long sleeves if i dont want to cause drama around people. i suppose i just find it weird that something thats caused me a lot of drama and bullying and issues throughout my life is now just being exploited as an aesthetic.

i remember reading on twiter once someone saying that self-harming spreads like a mind virus and they dont talk about it because of that or something like that. i remember not really understanding what they meant at the time. but then little while later i ended up talking to a friend and opening up about my history with self-harming and stuff. and then later that night they sent me a photo of them bleeding having cut their wrists several times, apparently being the first time theyd ever done it. i suddenly understood exactly what the person on twitter meant. its a very strange phenomenon and one i dont really understand at all which is why now im very careful about who i talk to about it with.

***

i want to talk about black rock shooter

the other day i was thinking about how i would love to just one time get really angry and explode and just let out a whole load of frustration and hurt and upset in one big dramatic burst. it got me thinking about how thats basically the plot or concept behind black rock shooter. i really liked black rock shooter as a teen especially the ova although i remember enjoying the tv anime too. i guess this is actually pretty topical because a new anime was announced last year and iirc its airing in a few months from now? i will definitely watch it.

the main reason why i liked it as a teen i think was because of the original song by supercell and huke's character designs. but even then i think i always thought to myself 'the designs and fight scenes are cool but the plot is a little goofy maybe?' and yet despite that i remember it making me cry pretty consistently so it was clearly resonating with me more than i gave it credit. the premise of it as far as i can remember (and ive never like read or seen an analysis of it or what the creators think or whatever, so for all i know i have the completely wrong idea but this is how i understood it) that basically when you are upset with someone or have an argument or are emotionally hurt by a friend etc that in another world alternative versions of yourself are actually physically fighting and that pain is real. so for example the heartbreak you might feel after being betrayed by a friend is actual real physical pain being felt by your alt world self who is fighting with that friend's alt world self. theres more to it than that and im forgetting stuff for sure and i think the tv anime expands on it a bit more and perhaps changes it a bit, but i feel like thats still the core concept behind it. and i really like it.

part of me thinks wouldnt it be cool if that was true in real life. and part of me thinks it actually already is real. that emotional pain you feel are echoes of physical pain being felt by another you in a different dimension. and if it isnt real then i wish it was. and i wish it had the power to resolve things. there are conflicts and fights and misunderstandings you can have with people that just cant ever be healed with words. people can hurt you so deeply and terribly that no words will ever be able to convey to them just how badly they hurt you. some pain can never really be explained or understood using the means we have in this world. but if you could just explode into a frenzy of superpowered violence and unleash all that pain and hurt and upset and anger on each other in apocalyptic battles with katanas and scythes and gattling guns and summoned skulls and chains and chainsaws and cannons and whatever insane weapons you felt a natural affinity for. then maybe the unforgivable could be forgiven, irreconciliable distances could be crossed, hearts could be healed. or maybe at the very least some sort of closure could be created.

i dunno. i like to fantastize about it. or manifest it i dont know. what the black rock shooter version of me would be. definitely lots of katanas. my colour scheme would include white & pink. i remember spending ages as a teen looking through all of huke's designs again and again. i cant remember what website it was on but i was just obsessed with them, particularly the names. i would try and think of my own names that fit with the general kinda vague naming conventions

and perhaps our alt selves are fighting. when at random points in the day i suddenly remember what you did to me and i feel an emotional stab in the gut, maybe thats because in another dimension youve just shot me in the torso with a demon railgun or impaled me through the chest with a black silver lance. and maybe after we fight like this for an eternity our selves here in our world can move on & heal. i like to think the more timid you are in the real world the more powerful you are in the black rock shooter world. and one day i would like to meet the me from the black rock shooter world and apologise to her and thank her, because despite all the fatal wounds & injuries she carries and were inflicted on her shes been fighting so very hard for such a long time.