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definitely feeling like a worthless trash human atm. no use to anything man or beast. ive been kinda just existing for a while now and my head is just completely clouded. i had a terrible migraine a couple of days ago and im still feeling completely exhausted & drained from it. body is in a lot of pain. ive been watching a lot of mr bean on youtube recently. i really enjoy watching the way he interacts with the world around him & love how despite not really understanding much he seems to do just fine and it doesnt bother him. kinda reminds me of the terry davis quote about his bird. i think im at my happiest when i dont understand anything and it doesnt bother me. i think its fine to go through life not really understanding anything and ignorance is definitely bliss. it can be frightening at times but i think i sometimes get more frightened when my head is clear. although at the moment my messy thoughts arent the good kind. disappearing into comforting anime isnt doing much at the moment. ive managed to write some songs though so thats good at least. i have a couple of eps in the work kinda.

i think at the moment im the loneliest ive felt in a while. which feels like a really dumb thing to say because there are people who care about me & are looking out for me. and part of it is self inflicted too.. there are people who want to see me but im currently struggling to interact with people. everything is very numb. i think im currently very aware of how much emotional distance there is between me & others. im struggling to really feel any connection with others. everything is very alien at the moment. i am feeling very strongly that i dont belong here and i am missing my home & true form. a sort of longing and ancient sadness. fundementally it just feels that no matter how much i might like someone i still cant really relate/ understand or connect with them. or perhaps its just the realisation that im not as close to certain people as i thought. i think how ephemeral relationships are scares me. how quickly things can fall apart or disappear. you can feel inseperable one day and suddenly barely aquaintances the next. you can feel like a part of a close knit family and all of sudden a complete outcast. i find interacting with others too upsetting & difficult & complicated for the most part, but im also pretty bad at being lonely. i would like to be more like mr bean but i suppose he has his teddy to keep him company.

someone pretending to care is even worse than someone who doesnt care at all

no matter how much anime might tell you that its bad to push people away. that you should try to reach out and connect with people even if it hurts and is difficult. evangelion, flcl, haruhi, a bunch others i forget my head is really messy atm. like no matter how much anime might tell you its bad it doesnt get any easier. yes kyon your monologue is really good it still makes me cry a bit every time i see it but it doesnt make it any easier. sure you have convinced me that life is more enjoyable when you connect with others & make experiences with others. but that doesnt mean its possible for me. its like something i see others do and think good for them i guess. also the whole human instrumentality project is already a thing. like i think some people dont realise that but we are already tang. thats what human living & social media and everything is, swirling around in each others fluids like a big sea of goo, wow im so profound subscribe to my tedtalk. and honestly its hell. but good for u i guess.

i think despite everything im being pretty mellow and well behaved. usually in the past in this sort of situation i would just abuse substances or try to od on something or self harm or whatever. but ive actually been clean & dry for a while now. its kinda a shame though. i dont do drugs or alcohol anymore and yet i still dont feel any better for it. i think i am honestly quite upset at the moment so i guess the general emotional numbness ive been feeling recently is a mixed blessing. it would be nice if i could get my emotions back for just 1 night so i could go really crazy. a few years ago if i was feeling really emotionally numb id sleep with random people irl. i wouldnt really get any enjoyment out of it and i guess it was a type of self harm but it would help pass the time. these days im too frail to do much of that i think.

shiraishi is probably my favourite character from oddman 11 which is saying something considering its a series full of characters i love. she very much feels like a part of me & i really love her a lot. i like that even after horrible things happen to her setsu is there to look after her. i would love for setsu to pick me up and carry me to comic zin. btw, comic zin really does have a powerful healing energy irl. i dont know how to explain it but it really does. i love the characters of oddman 11 more than most things and i would love to be surrounded by and spending every day with a group of deviant & delinquent & degenerate friends that might be freaks to everyone else but truly love each other. i want an oddman family.

theres a lot of grey area between being abused and enjoying something and i wish not almost everyone insisting its either one or the other. trying to feel something even if its not necessarily positive, isnt inherently a bad thing. i dont want to or need to be 'saved'. it would be nice to have an oddman family that understood that.

i am sad at the moment though. i can say that much. there are a few things that have made me sad recently. even if it was fake, i miss it. i really wish i could just get really angry. my response to aggression or evil or meanness or people doing horrible things to me is just to run away. or if im unable to run away just to keep quiet, try and ignore it & bear it until its over. at most i might say a few swear words before removing myself from the situation but thats only if im really pushed. some really quite unpleasant things have happened recently and ive just tried to ignore it the best i can. but i really would like to just explode one day. i bet it would be fun to just go completely nuts and just yell & insult and be angry. i really want to just get furious. instead of just being pathetic and sad.

this empty longing i feel. do you feel it too?