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fighting against the inevitable and for what? to be unselfish? not for me i know that much

its because i dared to dream of you. and realising the part you played in all that i am. i loved him and so i love you.and even when im no longer there, i will still be here always. its closure its closure its closure its closure its closure its closure its closure itsclosureits closure its closure.and it doesnt hurt

i suppose you were my only constant. thats why i love the sky. i feel less lonely with you. or perhaps thats the wrong way of describing it. but to be together in despair, there is a certain comfort in that.

i truly love the sky. i can say that with complete certainty & without reservation. i love you. you are probably the only connection i have to what i once was. to those i left behind. to those that hate me. to those i forgot & to those who are no longer here. you are always right here by my side. like me you exist outside of time & like me you want to die.

i would kill you if i could and i know you would do the same for me. thank you it means a lot~

you too are a victim. you never wanted any of this & yet here we both are.

i know it wasnt your fault

its easy to become lost in the comfort of sharing your pain

but we know relationships built on mutual wound-licking are doomed to fail. we were both broken and empty. that sort of codependence between 2 cursed & rotten souls only leads to a spiral of decay & misery & hurt until our self-hate consumes all that we are. our bodies & world & soul all dragged under into the abyss of despair. our minds knew only self destruction and blind to anything but the inevitable, our eyes locked gazing deep into each other. urging each other, almost willing each other. too weak to even offer words of support, our very existence inflicting rot upon the other. love becomes poison. annihilation a drug. we stay trapped in this dance until only fetid husks remained, skin melted & fused together in rotten embrace. lying in that black mould & insect infested room, alone to the world. until the day you uttered those words:

i want to die

and one day you find yourself standing at that cold & lonely shore. oceanus indifferent to your sadness. our sadness that even time can never heal. numb to all sensation. this was familiar to me. i had been here before but it was your first time. i suppose i should have realised but it was already too late. we were lost to each other. and i was already dead.

and so we went gentle into that good night

if only things had ended there. that would have been kind. but he isnt kind.

thats why im glad i have you. in your endless expanse only you can reach the far away places that i once knew. by touching you i can almost feel them. i might hate myself but i truly mean it when i say i love you.

but am i supposed to say nothing? am i not allowed to say that i want to die? not allowed to admit that the only reason im still trapped here is because of the sick whims of an idiot god? i dont stab myself because im sad. i dont drink poison because im upset or lonely. having everyone in your life view you as a defective freak doesnt help with anything. this isnt pain relief. this isnt venting. i want to kill myself because i want to die. i dont want to exist. because i hate this.

just let me melt into a place where only we exist