last year i moved to london.. before that i lived with my parents in a small rural town in the middle of nowhere. im still a reclusive neet and i spend about 99% of my time inside my room but regardless i prefer being in a city. i like the city lights especially and i like that when i do go outside for the most part i can just blend in and not be noticed.
living in a rural town could be quite intimidating. id receive verbal abuse quite frequently and since a lot of people know who you are it was difficult to do things privately or without people wondering. if i went to a pharmacy or the doctors people would want to know why. i liked the empty fields though and i loved the sky
for the most part in the city people dont really care so when i do go outside im free to just go where i want listneing to music i like to walk in the parks when its raining and get wet and i like riding the bus at night. i like going to taco bell. i like underground stations at night. i do miss the sky though. my sky
its strange, even though ive been molested, followed & have had aggressivve sexual advances made at me multiple times, i still for the most part feel safer walking in london then i do in the small rural town. im not completely sure why that is but i guess its because in the city for the most part im ignored and the only people who give me unwanted attention are perverts or horny people or whatever, whereas the unwanted attention in small towns is like genuine hate or something. and i dunno i guess the horny people are less likely to actually want you dead?
theres also the convenience as well that i can just order deliveries & stuff and exist inside for long periods of time. some weeks i just cant face going outside or having to interact with humans or my body is deteriorating or im having migraines and so not having to go outside but still being able to eat is nice. i like seeing foxes from the window or hearing people having arguments or fights outside.
i have also done more things. ive actually met nice people irl. i went to some events. experienced some romance. the end of 2021 ended pretty badly for me or at least the last month or so was kinda bad but actually lots good happened that year. i often am aware of how many life experiences i have missed. i feel like i havent been able to experience a lot of the things i would have liked to by my age. i often feel like i missed out. there are so many wasted years that i want to get back. but last year at least i managed to experience some wonderful things that i feel grateful for. that while im still in my 20s im able to experience some of these things for myself.
i still feel like an outsider looking in. an awkward extra celestial experiencing things not really intended for her. but im grateful all the same. being kissed in the night under the city lights. dancing in the fountains & the rain. eating taco bell & dunking donuts. spilling bubble tea making a mess in a cafe. having clothes complimented by strangers in the street. vintage shopping. taking selfies in shop changing rooms. holding hands in the cold. waking up in someone elses bed and not feeling ashamed. hearing your breathing in my bed. not sleeping at all. flirting in the supermarket. watching fireworks. talking all night. crying at the train station. i liked being cringey in public. i liked crying.
and im glad i got to experience it before my emotions faded.
it was real, i think
